What a perfect card for me today.  Here I am , with an incredible itinerary taking me on a whirlwind trip to Dhaka and India—leaving tomorrow—and no passport.  My passport is at the visa office in San Francisco as I write.  I can only pray that it will be sent today, because the visa office does not respond to telephone calls. If they send it today, it will arrive by 10:30 tomorrow, just in time for my afternoon flight.  If it doesn’t, who knows?

On Saturday, when I realized my passport was not going to arrive—I had hoped it had been shipped on friday—I had my big meltdown.  Planning for this trip had consumed an entire week, entailing a spreadsheet of after care for my son (shout out to Erin, Jen, Lindsay, Susan, and Julie for pitching in).  The logistics have been a feat, the visa process  excruciating, and securing the tickets nerve-wracking.

At first I was completely unattached to the trip, fine with it going either way, but as it took hold of me I could feel my grip on it getting tighter.  So when I realized on Saturday that it was completely out of my control whether i got my passport back in time or not—that in fact nothing was in my control, despite my desperate attempts to make it so, it was like having the wind knocked out of me.

After the tears, surrender.  And now Faith, that what must happen will happen.  My teacher used to say that frequently.  And I have learned firsthand this week how surrender and faith are bedfellows, each requiring the other.  To surrender, you must have faith, and to have faith, you must surrender.

It feels kind of good really, to relinquish the illusion of holding the reins. I wait and see what fate—and fedex—have in store.